Challenge: Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “The door swung open” These four words will be included in the word count.
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), use the same beginning words and end with the words: "the door swung shut."
For those who want an even greater challenge, make your story exactly 200 words – Well, as it's a challenge, I had to do that too, so it's exactly 200 words
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The Misfortune of Clocks
The door swung open. Crystal shielded her eyes, momentarily blinded.
A girl stood in the doorway. Pale, quiet, sad.
In her hand was a flower. She looked at it in much the same way she’d looked at life: through large inquisitive eyes.
‘The violet is lovely,’ Crystal said.
The girl walked toward the woman. ‘It can’t be comfortable standing here, Mummy.’
‘There’s nowhere else for me to be. Since I lost you, I haven’t been well.’
‘You haven’t lost me, Mummy. I’m in here.’ She pointed to her heart.
Crystal nodded. The visions haunted her. The daughter she’d lost. She felt the pain as before, as if her heart seared with heat, twisted and turned by an unseen force.
‘Georgia,’ she said, trying to control her voice, to stop it quavering. ‘You shouldn’t be here.’
‘I’m not here, Mummy. I’m IN here.’ Again, she pointed to her heart. ‘It’s yours. Yours still beats, let it go.’
Crystal’s heart raced, then slowed. Timed to precision.
Somewhere in the darkness, a clock tick-tocked, and the second hand danced round with mechanical precision. The most expensive clock in the universe. Pleased with his day’s work, the clock-maker laughed and swung the door shut.
55 comments:
Oh, your piece is fantastic! i got chills at the end with the clock maker shutting the door. I have to read it again, Well done.
supernatural!
great sense of longing.
Excellent! That clock maker gave me the chills.
The clock maker gave me chills as well. Love how you set us up for a surprise ending.
Great story! I felt for Crystal and her loss.
Oh wow, this gave me the chills at the end too. Awesome job.
"The clock-maker laughed and swung the door shut." Definitely an eerie line as you step back and ponder if he's in control of the entire scene.
Well done - amazing how different all our stories are, even though they started from the same sentence!
Allie, I had to do a re-read -you caught me off guard! Great story, subtle yet eerie, delicately written. :)
Absolutely brilliant. Still not sure if that's a supernatural clock or if something else is going on, but that's makes it even more fabulous
Thanks for everyone taking the time to read and leave comments on this story. It's not normally something I would post to my blog, and it all seems a bit weird really.
I appreciate every single person stopping by and saying something. :)
Oh, and thank you even more if you've hopped back to Rach's blog and cast me a 'like' vote. You know who you are ;)
Nicely done, and I *love* that title. Good work!
A very beautiful yet chilling flash fiction. You did a great job, Roland
"She looked at it in much the same way she’d looked at life: through large inquisitive eyes." = beautiful. Great entry! <3 from a newbie follower
Ooohh! Loved the clock-maker's part in it! Chilling! Great job! :)
Thanks Michael, Roland, Kelley and Chantele all for your fab comments. They're really heartening to hear. It still feels strange posting quick fiction to my blog.
All your comments are very much appreciated everyone. Have a great evening. :)
Oh, heartbreakingly haunting....
Allie ~ Really great. I love that the little girl is the one with peace about everything and is seeking to reassure the mother. Isn't it that way with kids? They accept and let go. I took the clock-maker as a cheery fellow..not creepy. He's helping - in my mind. ~ Nadja
very moving, chilling and yet tender. i shall be liking this one, Allie.
Looks cool:) I've seen this story popping up on other blogs:)
A poignant/haunting piece; nicely done.
I *loved* this. It really got me thinking and hooked me right away. I want more to this story, though I feel like this is a great natural ending place for it. Very well done, and thanks for sharing it!
Now that's a haunting post. Loved it. Wasn't expecting that ending. Great entry, Allie! :)
This is both chilling and thrilling. Great story. Denise
Wow, that was really eerie. I love it.
I think my favourite part was that last paragraph :)
...and the title was very cool ;)
@Denise. Thanks for reading.
@Nadja. You're right about kids. I like your take on the clock maker. True that he could be helping, but most people see him as sinister!
@Joanna. Thank you very much! :)
@Mark. It's all mine, I can assure you. Do you mean a similar theme?
@Milo. Thank you very much for leaving a lovely comment on this story.
@Jenna. I'm glad you like the ending. It's surreal, a bit like the story being told.
@David. Wow! Fantastic comment. Thank you very much.
@Denise. Thank you for your comment!
@Holly. Thanks for stopping by and reading.
@1000th.monkey Cheers. Thank you so much for liking both story and title. :)
Oh, the clockmaker creeps me out. Great little story. Thanks for sharing!
Oh my, what an ending! How surreal, and completely changed my idea of the story. Great job!
Great writing, Allie, sadness and then the chill of the (mad/evil) clockmaker. Tour de force!
AliB
Allie, this is a very imaginative piece and at the same time leaves quite a bit to the reader's imagination. I liked the impressionist style.
You painted such a eerily somber scene that just took my imagination for a spin. Great piece.
Hey, Allie! Just stopping back. I thought you commented earlier in the challenge, too...but I didn't see it either. Just wanted to let you know you weren't 'losing-it'...Ha! Hope to talk to you again soon! ~ Nadja. (I still like that cheery clockmaker...lol.)
@Tara. Thank you for reading and commenting. It's very much appreciated.
@Julie. It's meant to be a twist of sorts. I just don't have the ability to think up anything other than weird!
@AliB. Thank you! Glad you felt the emotions of the story.
@Gary. Thank you for 'getting' the style of this piece! You made my day. :)
@Avery. I hope it wasn't too much of a spin. Sometimes these flash pieces can be a bit too abstract for meaning.
@Nadja. Lol. I looked at least three times just to make sure before posting *again.* Thankfully, it doesn't seem like I'm going senile alone! Okay. Just for you, the clockmaker can be happy. :)
Very nice. Nice imagery in such a short space. The mother's grief is palpable. Clock maker is a great touch. Unexpected. :)
Lovely, very touching! It just gets ya in the heart.
Hello again! Just stopping by to tell you that you've been picked to move on to the second round!! Congrats, you did an excellent job!! :D
@Melanie. Thank you for reading and commenting.
@Heather. Aww... thank you. :)
@Rachel. Wow. Thank you so much for this news. I've never been picked for anything. You have just made my day. :)
Oooh nice! Very chilling!
@Jenna. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. Glad you enjoyed. :)
Fantastic! Really made me think too.
Rebecca. Thank you so much for stopping by and reading.
Wow, I LIKE this! I'll be sure to go "vote" for you.
Thank you so much for enjoying enough to go find me in the linky list and *like* it. :)
Hello, fellow Campaigner! *waves* I've been trying to make the rounds, visit and follow all the campaigners I didn't already know...and read all the entries of the flash challenge.
And, wow! Your ending was a wonderful and unexpected twist. I really enjoyed this. Well done. :)
I hope you're having a fantastic weekend,
Lola
Hi again Allie - I have just 'tagged' you on my blog - a bit of fun - pop over to see what's involved.
AliB
Hi Lola. *Waves back* Thank you for your comments, and for reading. The weekend goes way too fast, sometimes!
Ali. I got your message on Twitter. Thank you for asking me to do this. It is going to be great fun. :)
Ooh, wasn't expecting that ending! Nice to meet you, fellow campaigner.
Hi Deniz. I'm glad you got the unexpected with the ending. Possibly a bit random! Lol, but there are some clues in the narrative. :)
Haunting but wonderful -- there is a sense of longing... a mother who lost her child. Beautifully written.
hey there! stop by in the morning for an award =)
Angela. Thank you for reading, and for liking this story.
Tara. Thank you. :)
Oh how hauntingly good:)
Thank you Doreen. :) I'm glad you stopped by and read this little flash.
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